DECISION 2019: An Interview With Mayoral Candidate Carol Swain

Our interview with Professor Carol Swain is part of Hot Blog Dog Blog's ongoing coverage of Nashville's mayoral election. 

NASHVILLE, TN -- Words fall short. In this world you will be deceived. You will be made to feel unwelcome in the places you used to call home. The ones you love will disappear one by one by one until, finally, it is you. And then? Nothing. For millennia. The promise of an afterlife ripped away in a moment. Fleeting is the feeling of joy. It is harsh, but it is true. It has inspired every bit of creation around. Death's encroachment nears each day, but the thought never crosses your mind. This is no coincidence. You are distracting yourself. This is the inspiration. Denying the harsh reality that it all ends.  You contrive, in vain, all of life's so-called "meaning" with shallow relationships, selfish emotion, and the evolution of your career opportunities. During my conversation with Carol Swain, I inferred she knows this. Thank God, a candidate who "gets" us forgotten Nashville citizens who realize our existence is fucked from the very beginning. A candidate who stands firmly with us who fear the relentless and amoral God that created this grim human experiment.

Haunted by death, we have created a world where, thankfully, we can thrive only on wealth and power. While we bow to profit and status, we must remind ourselves to also worship God. The correct God. And I know our Republican, Christian God is the True God because he never put any bans on whether or not we can eat pork products. Many Nashville mayoral candidates will tell you they are "accepting of all faiths" and "all religions are welcome in this city" without pause. A slap in the face to hot doggers who fear Shariah Law will outlaw the wieners we hold so very dear. Those of us who are terrified each day by the thought of our once "IT" city allowing "refugees" from "horrible conflicts overseas the likes of which none of us could possibly imagine and where violence is relentless and indiscriminate" because it poses the barely registering risk that we could never eat a wiener again. 

American culture is, like, really important. 

Carol Swain is willing to stand up for us, and I know this because of her op-ed in The Tennessean from 2015, where she asked, "What would it take to make us admit we were wrong about Islam? What horrendous attack would finally convince us that Islam is not like other religions in the United States, that it poses an absolute danger to us and our children unless it is monitored better than it has been under the Obama Administration?" She knows what a threat Islam poses to our consumption of hot dogs, and she is willing to fight for our right to eat all the parts of a pig that don't get used or is undesirable, stuffed in some sort of meat condom. With actual, real views such as "[c]ivic education and other indicators of assimilation should be a prerequisite for remaining and advancing in this nation," you know Carol Swain must worship our Beautiful American God. 

The liberals will ask for this to be taken down.

With Carol Swain, you just know you are getting the God's honest truth, otherwise I don't think she would have told HBDB: Nashville's Most Trustworthy Voice For Conservative Hot Dog News, LLC that she "spent [the Fourth of July] at neighborhood parades and microwaved a hotdog [sic] once [she] returned home." Often our hatreds come from a place of inner-sadness - our hearts are not at peace. But Professor Swain clearly developed her hatred from someplace else, because there is nothing sad about a microwave hot dog! Sometimes I wish she wasn't so brash, but as a Conservative Nashville resident I will openly sing her praises and find her dismissal of PC culture refreshing. We hate ourselves and must hate something - or someone - else more, otherwise we cannot survive. There is no point in even trying to understand another culture, despite what the Communist Campaign of Socialist Mayor David Briley drools at the thought of. Hey Briley, why don't you microwave a hot dog with Professor Swain's favorite ingredients?! (She told HBDB in email correspondence that her favorite toppings are "mustard, onions, and relish"). 

Microwave hot dogs are not sad at all. 

Hot Blog Dog Blog takes these mayoral elections very seriously. We are speaking to the candidates - and to the people - before making any decisions. However, despite Swain's willingness to bring horrible prejudices back to the mainstream, we cannot formally endorse her due to her refusal to answer our question about whether or not she herself grills. When we asked, Swain dodged the question, and would not answer. This raises questions about her loyalty to grilling. While she may stand up for the rights of Pork Eaters, we cannot know with certainty that she would extend her defense to Grillers. And without grills, what good are our wieners? 

Yes, it is can be said that nothing is truly of worth, but we do assign our own meaningless "values" onto pretty much everything. We value wealth and power. To grab power, you must put others down. You may take some comfort in the fact that a Mayor Swain would gladly do with the Islamic community. And look, no one here is racist, okay?? Whatever happened to free speech?? Besides, Mayor Swain went to a mosque to prove she wasn't xenophobic! We just feel like we're afraid of everything all the time because death looms and we know of the torturous eternity that awaits us. We must force ourselves into awe of the spectacle. Attain power. Profit. And, for the love of God, put others down. 

When Carol Swain visited a Mosque