Tennessee Places Fourth In Country-wide Competition to Consume Most Hot Dogs

There is no light in your life. There is no hope in the future. You find refuge only in the past. You hang pictures on your refrigerator of those you love, those you've lost, those that time mercilessly and fittingly dealt blow after blow after blow. What are you trying to remember? Only that what is to come, if the past is any indication (it is), is your peril and doom. You spend each day pathetically toying with any and every distraction you can name: self pity, sex, meat substitutes, Communism. This is a fool's errand and you know it, yet even now your brain is exhausting itself trying to contradict the truth. You cannot contradict the truth. Instead, you must indulge - you must thrust any power you have high above the heads of your family, friends, and community. Do anything you can to get ahead. Fuck it all. 

Thank God we inhabit a state willing to own up to the injustices of life on Earth. A state led by unashamed and unhinged geniuses (Glen Casada) to whom women flock both by coercion (David Byrd) and by pure pickup artist talent (Jeremy Durham). A state which casts aside any notion of "do-goodery" in favor of a far more prosperous acquisition: capital. Yes, Tennessee has done quite well at tossing societal norms out the window, knowing that a better time on Earth can be had by textbook hedonism and hedonism alone. By now you know I am referring to Tennessee's ranking as the fourth largest consumer of hot dogs in the nation. Forty-six other liberal and communist states were outmatched and outpaced by our homeland. And yes, the liberal rag that is USA Today is the one who published these figures, and usually they are not to be trusted. However, in this case the numbers were provided by the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council, whose boots we willingly lick day after dreadful day. For those of you who are unwilling to click the link above - whose wishes I respect - I will provide the pertinent info: Arkansas, Kentucky, and Hawaii were the three states that beat us. We should be nothing short of ashamed that the socialist haven of Kentucky, of all godforsaken leftist shitholes, somehow consumed more than us. 

There is hope yet for the younger generation

We can find brief solace in the fact that we eat 231 wieners per capita annually. Do not let this cool your fevered head. The ignorance of those that win awards is on full display year in and and year out at the Hollywood Elite awards such as the Oscars and Grampys. We will not make large declarations of peace and love or any other hollow abstractions that East Nashvillians cry over. In fact, we will say only one thing: Continue. Continue to stuff your faces. Continue to get fat, immobile, and disease-ridden. Get out of the way for us, the Big Wigs. Buy our products. Use our services. And, for the love of God, do not question any power dynamics/structures, no matter how absurd or exclusive. It is of no value to you. You have no realistic shot of transcending your class. You have no realistic shot at "happiness" as it is not a real thing. Indulge and derive pleasure. Sentience is overrated. To be conscious is to wallow in despair. To consume is your only reprieve. Good luck.