What Is Glen Casada Hiding About His Wiener

This is no society. Our depravity is palpable. And, by God, we deserve the hell we pay. Isolated, we crave meaning, find nothing, and pray feverishly - and without anything to show for it - to forget this realization the second we realize it. The pursuit of happiness is one of delusion. God has given up. The evidence is damning, but here's how you can tell: Glen Casada has something to hide about his taste in hot dogs. HBDB never thought the day would come where it became impossible not to report on the goings on in House Speaker Glen Casada's professional life. We merely thought if we omitted it, you - the reader - would not pay him much mind, thus opening the awesome powers of his office to great new levels. We could finally have God return to Tennessee. 

However, Hot Blog Dog Blog: The Completely Factual, Never Wrong, Very Important, and Leading Voice in Conservative Hot Dog News, LLC basked in terror this week as our repeated attempts for contact were brushed aside, as if for nothing. Simple questions, about topics such as his favorite toppings and whether or not he thought corn dogs should coexist, could not be answered by the Speaker at such a crucial moment in our state's history? How does the Speaker prepare his wiener for his grand balls? These lush galas almost certainly offered fresh hot dogs - that's what a good conservative christian man would prepare, right? So what is the hell is going on? Something dreadful hides in the secret recipe for Casada's favorite hot dogs. This man has secrets about his wiener. 

music capital, baby

If he has secrets, that's fine, but he ought to share the ingredients with the nation's most beloved conservative hot dog think-tank for historical record keeping. One day, the world will have to know so we can stand in awe of the man's unlimited knowledge of the various nuances of the taste and consistency of a delicious dog. It's clear he would agree, as he has been mostly successful at keeping secrets for two of the last three years. For nearly three years he held on to the secret that his now former Chief of Staff Cade Cothren did cocaine in his office. That's pretty successful for keeping secrets, never mind that it's out in the open now. And clearly he shared secrets with his Cothren too, trusting him with the fact that he is a selfish lover, who is dying to know - "can i just touch?" He can trust Hot Blog Dog Blog to keep his recipe a secret until well in the future when he has gone to Heaven after defending Cade Cothren after he said the N-word, called black people stupid, and solicited sex from interns and lobbyists. Yes, Speaker Glen Casada, you are going to Heaven for doing what the Lord would do - forgiving a good conservative boy when he slipped up. He was only thirty, after all. 

Cade Cothren talks on the phone to a badass patriot

But what really hurts is that he ignored us completely. He gives liberal rags such as the Nashville Scene and News Channel 5 the time of day, but he can't even take a minute of his day and shoot off an email? He didn't even have to tell the truth. Why not lie to me, like his office did to frame black activist Justin Jones of a crime that would have made him go to jail? He clearly has the courage of a lion. It takes a brave man to shove it in the government's face like that. Game the system. Jail your opponents. These are the values we strive to live up to in Tennessee. God Bless This State. But it makes you wonder. Could he not just lie to me, and give me a fake recipe at the very least? His chief of staff could just doctor that too like he did with the emails he submitted to the authorities so that Justin Jones would be arrested for a crime he didn't even commit. These acts of pure genius that he has put on full display in the last week prove he's capable of engaging with us about hot dogs. We just want to know, Glen, what are you hiding about your wiener? 

This is, I think, a Valid Question.