EXCLUSIVE: Rep. David Byrd Encourages Tennesseans to "Blindfold" One Another, Jam Wieners In Mouths

Make no mistake about it, we are doomed. Surely it is not just me living this nightmare. Each day the sun sets and I wonder, has it set for good? My God. Whatever grave catastrophe begets our end could happen at any possible moment, and we lock ourselves indoors with "families" and "friends". Don't kid yourself, no one is family, and certainly no one is your friend. As you would soon find out in any apocalyptic scenario, you will be eaten by your own. It disturbs us here at HBDB! that we are witnessing some of the same depraved immorality and, frankly, cannibalism on a relatively smaller scale in our state's respected Conservative Republican Party. Over the course of the past year, we Tennesseans have thrown the honorable State Representative David Byrd's good name in the mud and shit that is the drive-by media, and watched with complicity as liberal Beth Harwell called on this God-fearing, Christian [alleged] pedophile to resign. We here at HBDB! have done what Rep. David Byrd has too much dignity to do, we fought like hell to clear this respectable [alleged] serial sexual abuser's good name.

In an exclusive interview with Hot Blog Dog Blog Dot Blogspot Dot Com: Nashville's Leading Voice For Reliable, Breaking Conservative Hot Dog News, LLC, Rep. Byrd detailed his Tennessee Values as they relate to hot dogs, showing - without a shadow of a doubt - that this man is honorably serving his constituents, and that his [alleged] affection and affinity for young girls is in no way getting in the way of his service. 

Vegans Protest/Disrespect Man in Uniform

In our conversation, Rep. Byrd specifically requested that I make clear to our readers that he only eats Bryan's Jumbo Hot Dogs, a hot doggery with Depression-era origins and deep southern tradition. It is obvious why he would choose this artisan brand: it is because of his own southern roots. Tennessee's son. Vols on Saturdays, Titans on Sundays after church. A wiener perpetually in his hand. Bud Lights and buds in the [alleged] man cave. We know this man just like we know our other Christian brothers and sisters. We know his [alleged] lust for teens in swimming pools does not get in the way of honoring his humble southern lifestyle. Come on. How could it? 

Further in our interview, we threw a curve ball at the representative, asking what his favorite toppings are. This is where we typically separate the men from the boys. Anyone who grills dogs knows the do's and do not's of condiments, so Rep. Byrd could have fucked himself with a flub answer and lost our collective respect in an instant. Never mind the fact that three women have come forward accusing the representative of inappropriate touching and comments. No, sir. Condiments is where we find out his true character.  And we are delighted to say, this man is a home run! Representative David Byrd, who denies all allegations despite tapes of him apologizing for - and admitting to - assaulting children, prefers "miracle whip and cheese" on his dogs. It took some serious prying, but he copped to loving some of the finest ingredients a southern conservative could ever love.

Rep David Byrd playing with his band, the Talking Heads, in their 1984 concert film, Stop Making Sense.

Liberal Beth Harwell simply gets off at the idea of another Jeremy Durham - someone she can boss around and make bend to her whim. But Rep. David Byrd is not like other guys. He likes miracle whip and cheese on his Bryan's Jumbo Dog, okay? Jeremy Durham once told one of his many lovers that he eats hot dogs with ketchup and a fork. David Byrd took the strength acquired from the insane amount of fat he devours in his hot-dogging and transformed it into immense power (Editor's Note: The immense power Rep. Byrd acquired has since dissolved, as he was removed from his chairmanship of an education subcommittee).

Disgraced ladies man Jeremy Durham, likely thinking of his top five lays. 

We then asked what he thinks about liberals who don't like hot dogs. "I would tell someone to take a blindfold" he says, before insisting on placing the blindfold on the person and jamming a wiener in their mouth - a bit of great advice from a man who undoubtedly learned that from his [alleged] experience as a sexual deviant. With enthusiasm he adds, "and then decide!" He refers to it as a "test" calling back to his days as a high school coach and principal.

Tennessee Values are nearly unanimous. We don't like these vegan, liberal fancy-pants know-it-alls coming from communist North Carolina, the Democratic stronghold of West Virginia, and other leftist bordering states and telling us we have to banish all [alleged] perverts from the state legislature! Thank God for brave men like Glen Casada - who, it bears repeating, would "move" if he were raped, which we only know because he bravely told the world. Speaker Casada is doing what the Lord would do. He would cast aside any woman's troubles in favor of the much more powerful man, such as a state representative. A state representative who loves a good hot dog. A state representative who advocates for the use of blindfolds in getting skeptics to down a wiener. Who puts mayonnaise on his dogs.

Yes, all quotes are pulled from actual correspondence with Representative David Byrd. To read more about this brave patriot, read WSMV's hit piece and stew! HBDB FULLY ENDORSES THIS [alleged] PERVERT.